Morning Phlegm

Have you ever felt like you're drowning in every gap in between every scream? "Expired" he said. Wordless compassion was meant but strangled by a callous rope. When there's no tomorrow how can there be today? Suffered, tortured under your name but rose again in shame. How many did I kill to keep this life? A lifeless existence in which I die in day by day. Lost in a depth of space to which I can't even imagine. Indifferent to everything I know and believe, how can you see me when you choose to not look beneath the scars. Leave me and let me die a death of chaos, for all I know now is madness which has been knocking on my door for oh so long now.

I remember everything, every scar, every torment, every whisper of agony you blew through me. I've never wanted this, this pain, this suffering, these words which morph into thoughts and scrape down my soul, eating at every ounce of hope and happiness that remains. "Why" is just a word which has no meaning anymore and weighs down on me like a mountain made up of unanswered questions. What did I do that was that bad? What did I do that was that evil? Why was I left alone to fade before I even lived? Spineless and twisted as I am I can't even shed a tear for anyone but myself and my desires. Left for dead I was. On the floor of filth and disease. Brought up to drown in my own, brought up to be condemned in a maze of madness. Brought up to be drowned by the hands of God. Over and over again not knowing why or if it would ever end. Phlegm and filth are all I've known to the extent that others can't differentiate between myself and it.  I crave for death ...

I walk alone in a forest of darkness, I just keep walking to find the unsearchable. I come across a wooden house with no windows and a door which is unlocked and invitingly open. I know deep down I must walk past and not enter but something pulls me within and makes me enter this house of doom and darkness. As I enter I see someone crawled up in a corner hiding in his own shadow. I walk up to him and ask "who are you"? "Why are you here"? "What are you hiding from"? "Why are you afraid"? "Why don't you speak"? "What is your history"? "Where did you come from"? "Why are you alone"? "Do you hear"? "Can you see"? "Do you have any enemies"? "Do you have any friends"? "When were you born"? "How long have you lived here"? I get no answer as if I'm talking to a dead corpse that breathes but doesn't move or speak. Who is he? Why is he here?...

There is a no peace here no semblance of any hope. I lay here waiting for either death or you to enter knowing well that there's no difference between either and yet I wait patiently. The screams don't give up and just keep waiting for the silences to engulf them knowing well that your memories keep raping every chance of that ever happening. They suffer just as much as I do and they put up with me as I do with them. I look out the window as that's barely all this body lets me do now. It betrayed me at birth as you did at death. Not being able to move hasn't been the issue for me as I was always chained to this world which constantly raked its nails of repercussion and revenge down my back. The blood painted world in which I hoped for a life in was just a dream constructed of those bleeding scars that were left behind to remind me of those chains. I wonder if it's colder outside or in here? I watch my breath as it also wants to leave me as you did, as everything...

So much time has past and I sit here trying to comprehend everything. Why am I here? Where will I go? What I have done? Does it have a purpose? If there is action, then there is accountability and am I accountable? I certainly feel accountable, responsible for every word spoken and breath taken. I feel my wrists as I look up out the window and can feel those chains gripping at them like a vice trying to prevent my blood from escaping. Chained to this immortal body which doesn't forget me for a moment not giving me a break or even a chance to breathe. Why? How long do I have to keep drowning in this vacuum called life? Where nothing grows except my sins which stab and turn in me every time I remember you. In a field where everything just decays and rots, how can there be hope? It's so cold in here that I can see my breath freeze in time. I look at it from all angles watching it's sculptured beauty. How can a breath from the most darkened of places have any beauty? A brea...

When you look so far, all you do is look back at yourself wanting answers to questions you never asked. I've looked into the mirror a million times never wanting a million answers but just one! Why can't I see what they see, why can't I see what you see! What is that poison in me? where are the Horns? His son they say I am. His habits they say I have. His looks they say I have. But yet, just...yeah...just yet, why don't I feel like him? The indifference in me keeps me afloat from drowning in his memories. So here I am waiting for that answer knowing it will never come. Drowning in the most darkened of depressions and hoping for a helping hand. These thoughts don't let me be, they keep knocking on the door and I keep letting them in. Broken in all places and cannot be put back together. So, what do you see that I don't see? What do you hear that I don't hear? What do you feel that I don't feel? I asked not to be, I asked nothing from you but you gave ...

Bored out of my head here, no air to suffocate these memories of you. Trapped by a blinded charlatan who only cares about her own sins. Whisky is the only thing that makes me feel at home, and yet I'm restricted to rations. Death a forgotten friend who no longer waits for me whilst I look down into oblivion. The past keeps knocking and I keep opening. Too weak to stand up to these dogs which don't stop biting at my heels. Too proud to not bang on the wall like he did. Too blind to find my way out of this treacherous world. Warned to be careful of the beasts and so I live a secluded existence. Hope is a whore that keeps me going, teasing and tantalizing her way down my body, wanting me to enter. Righteousness is a tree I take shelter under when it rains and the dogs come running. Music my only salvation from this hell and yet I can't even hear my own voice in between the screams. Lost for words now, so I sleep until nobody comes to wake me.

Why can't these thoughts let me be? They attack cloaked and hidden from all perception except feeling and make me feel trapped. Constricted, as if I'm being suffocated by an Anaconda who's sole purpose is to kill. But that's the Irony of it all because each day I wish for Death and it hides from me as if I'm not worthy of it. And these thoughts don't subside. My skin craves for Whisky to subdue the force of perception and hide from their venomous attacks but I'm denied it by hypocrisy which itself drowns each day in it self-created hell. It screams at me asking not for freedom but for reason to which I have no answer. So I lay there thinking if it can't end, then can I at least find a glimpse of Death . Just a small window for me to breath through from this vacuum of life. Just a cut from a thread of infinite pain. If only someone could cut away at me so these scars which are covered in a bloody disguise, unimaginable to the ambiguous arseholes who den...

I drink because I want to escape, escape you, your thoughts, your words, which have scarred me for life. How could you do what you did? How could you speak those words with no meaning? How could you do it not just once but over and over again? How could you? How? How? I get up from the chair and put out the cigarette and shake my head, hoping to shake away those thoughts, your thoughts! I pick up the whisky glass and walk to the window and gaze into the darkness. Three years have passed and I still feel the shame. How could have I been so naive, how could I have been so gullible? How could I have been so weak? How could I? How could I? How? How? So I drink to escape you, to escape them and to escape me! Why does the darkness talk to me, why does it pull on my rage? As if it wants to merge with it. I deny its every want, its every desire and yet it doesn't leave me. Maybe I'm blind to the fact that it needs me as much as I need it. Blind to it as I was to you, to your manipu...

Hanging without a choice, but what choice did you ever have? What choice did you ever give? So, they hang from a tree which also has no voice. Blood dripping from top to bottom, trickling down with a born purpose and no choice to stop. I sit there on the bench knowing what I've done, knowing it had to be done and that I also had no choice - Like you had no choice as if it all was raped from you by me! I can't look back now as the smell of sulphur suffocates my soul and makes me bleed. I know what happened was just a happening, but it happened by me, by my choices. So now I sit remembering how it ended and how you must have suffered to an end which you had no control or choice over. 10 PM, time for another drink. I get up from the sofa feeling different, was it just the constant binging on booze or something else happening to which I couldn't ignore anymore. For years I've tried hiding from it but how long do you run from something that owns every cell in you, t...

"Everything you do, you do for yourself!" That's what you said to me. Words which echo through a tunnel of time and reverb around for an eternity. Words which once said, cannot be taken back, ever! They weave their way to their destination with a sole purpose, a purpose to cut and bleed. What can I say to argue that? What words can I fire back to redeem myself? Is there even anything left to say? Perhaps you're right, perhaps I always knew that, perhaps it's time I give them words a voice and take away the barbed wire that has kept them in silence for so long. Perhaps..... But, you know the truth and so do I, and there's no hiding from that. Salvation doesn't have a place reserved for me, I don't even think she knows my name let alone I exist. So why even try? I'll just let them be as they let me be, in a place filled with regret and memories. I can't breathe, I can't change, I can't fight these words, they're stronger ...

I had no choice to enter this world, nobody asked me where do you want to go or who you want to be? We live in a society of democracy and independence. Every day we are told that this is our right, that is our right and we deserve to choose. We see what happens when freedom is taken away from people and how they suffer. Relationships don't last when there is too much control from one partner, and even governments collapse when they dictate control and take away choice. Ask yourself, how much is freedom worth to you? If someone offered you all the treasures of all the universes in exchange for your freedom, would you sign that deal? I don't think anyone would, you know that, and I know that. But as a disabled person living in a body as a prisoner for over 40 years, without being able to choose whether I want to live or die, to me is nothing but dictatorship and the cause of all of this is one narcissistic fucker! You know him as God. It pains me to write this because for so...

Fuck it, fuck it all! I didn't want this life but you pushed it down my throat whilst holding my head down. Leaving me breathless was just the beginning of the sadistic games you played. I won't beg anymore because my words aren't worth wasting on a sadistic, narcissistic motherfucker like you! Rage is all I have to keep me going in a world where people walk around like zombies and treat others like how they want to be treated themselves. I sit here smoking, thinking of what went wrong, what did I do to deserve this? Or what didn't I do? Ignorance, a place to be alone, sedated from the shit that's going on and hide in, but even it eats at you like termites until there's nothing left but the guilt carved in shame. Desire becomes a broken kite and following it only leads you into the mouth of chaos.  The cigarette fades and I look at it and stop thinking and wonder how if everything fades, it all ends, falls away, but I don't. You left me living in an ...

You think I'm alive because you see me breathing, you hear words coming out and you think I'm living. So many lies are spoken on a daily basis but nobody stops and asks...Nobody stops and asks....... Years have passed and not a moment has passed where I haven't wished for death. The gaps in between the pain and screams have been what you call life or existence but for me have been orgasmic moments of relief to which I completely surrendered to hoping they would hold me in their arms and give me some sort of belonging but and yes.... but, they also left me like everyone else. I don't expect anything else now as each moment of what I thought was betrayal became nothing but a mere fact of life. I read so many books and observed so many people who in turn left me nothing but distant memories which clawed at me every time I looked away. Peace became an epiphany with wings which kept flying off whenever I tried to catch it and silence became a drop of hope in a sea...

How many whiskeys would it take to drown me? I know for certain one bottle would never be enough, it would only help to numb the pain. The 2nd bottle would be the one that takes away the distorted perceptions of a mistaken reality in which I have gazed into so many times and only found myself looking back. The 3rd bottle would take away my speech and the words would not come out as if they were chained to a dead corpse holding them back in hope of an existence to a mortal plane to which he has no right or purpose to, let alone any belonging. The 4th bottle would take away the screams which have haunted me for so many years, I have always found those years to be clawing at my skin and scraping down each particle of flesh left on these useless bones, which no fire would burn away or even turn to ashes when the time comes. The 5th bottle would take away my breath which has held me captive since I was born, always threatening to leave me like everyone else and I always gave in to t...

I crawled out wanting to crawl back in. Tried hanging myself on your umbilical cord but even that broke. No water kept me under and no air made me suffocate but here I am drowning in your bullshit. I didn't wanna be here, I didn't wanna be ya!!! Tick, tick, tick...I wait, wanting out as I wait and watch time pass me by but I don't pass, it just passes me. Can you twist that knife a little more because I have gone numb again and I'm feeling cold to this world? Can you light one more match so I can burn in your memories and leave my ashes in your hands? Just one more drink, can you pour me one more drink so that I can drown in your eyes again? Cut me, can you cut me again so that I can merge into your skin and let your narcissistical parasites eat at me, and burn away all my will? Hidden truths can be so deafening when not listened to. My words ate at you like termites feeding away at your freedom but did you ever imagine how much pain they caused me as they clawed ...

T here are times that I feel weak in choosing which path to take, each moment that I choose to live can become a gift or a mistake. Controlled by my desire to make this life a better place, my canvas cries tears of shame, for what I have painted is a disgrace. Chiselled by my guilt I walk in shame , for my arrogance covers my soul, for which I cannot hate, how many times will I fall and hope it's not too late, for you to save me as I slip through your hands of grace. The end I see is lying await, is a door made of pain and carved in shame, eyes shut now as they burn with fire, of a desireless man who's caught in the myer. As I get to the door I give a knock, in hope to walk away from the door unlocks. A cold stern voice that I cannot tell, says to me "hello friend, welcome to hell".

Suffering is an avoidable gift which you gave me, which I carry as a burden as I walk towards the end, my end......... Do you ever think you could kill a million people in a blink of an eye and then just turn away and walk? As the blade drops from your hand, you just keep walking, never looking back. The difference between hate and love is the indifference that's left between us now. So just keep walking, just keep walking now. Don't look back. Bloody footsteps engrave my destiny as I open my palms to read what you wrote on them blinded by desire I cannot even see anymore. Where am I going, where have I never been before? Everything I gave, you took, you raped me of every silence between every scream, leaving me to drown in a sea of pain unimaginable to anyone that tried to believe my words. Selfish you said I was, everything I did I did for myself you said. A truth which I choked on each time I saw you. A truth I chose, a truth that you chose to hide from the narcissistic ...

Destiny is a myth in which I starved myself of truth by drowning in a sea of hope. I was a fool trapped by my needs and desires. I look up and see the stars condemning me to a state of consciousness which I am forced to claim as my own. "My own" - two strange words which are like knots in a noose around my neck and that you know fuck all about! A dictator in disguise, you convince people that you love and feel but even a psychopath has more empathy than you. An insecure narcissist who controls and abuses and lives in a fantasy that you know can never come true! People worship you not because they love you but only and ONLY because they want something from you. Imagine that - you now live in my world and are frail as an autumn leaf that has been blown off a tree not by choice but by force. Yes, force - a word in which you encapsulate tainted love and push down peoples throats. I've choked enough times on that pill, feeling nothing but a semblance of love and empathy....

It beats, beats, keeps beating, beating, beating ! I look in the mirror of time and how different I am now compared to the past. The skin covers the bones but not the scars. They itch like they did on your body and you tried scratching the scars away but these aren't scars made of a mortal man-made blade. These scars are made of memories and encapsulated in a case of time. Unpenetrable by anything. So, it beats, and keeps beating, beating, beating! Do my eyes lie? Do my words deceive me like ants running towards candy? If only I had the strength to walk away, but it pulls harder than anything I've ever known. So, nothing changes, apart from this flesh on a corpse which talks. They say the dead don't speak but I was too blind to hear you and too deaf to see. Your voice kept telling me your path was pathed in torment and I didn't believe you, I believed her and defended her like I defended my own life. How wrong I was, how blind to not see you calling. So, it beats, and...

There's not much I look forward to in this life, the waves of orgasms and guilt have driven me to a shore which for years I thought of as home, but only to realise that it was just a stop to take my breath away. The calls have been echoing for oh so long now, I refuse to even stop listening to them. When two dogs keep chasing you, at which point do you stop running and look them in the eyes and say NO! Not anymore! So I look up and brush myself off and keep walking. No need to look back now as there's nothin' left, just ashes in the wind that keep blowing and then fall to the ground. Everything falls. I kept falling, failing and now I do what I could never do, walk, just keep walking, until I reach the end. The skies get darker and sounds of thunder await me as I get closer. Birds drop dead as the air starts to get thinner. Muscles waste away, no use today, air thins away so birds fall dead to his prey. No need to keep looking up, I can sense what's to come. It...

So how far would you go? Can you cross the pit of fire? The angels aren't coming to save you. No, they're not coming to make you. They're only coming to Rape you!!! So how far would you go? Would you pass the test? There's no demon coming to hurt you. No demon coming to slave you. They're only coming to B reak you!!! The mirror of darkness cannot hide you or your filth. There's no hiding, just looking, just drowning. Should I do it? Should I do it? Should I do it???? Fly in with your wings of desire, burn it down with that fire. No, no, please no, please don't hurt me. Please don't do that again. Not again, not again. You can have it, I'll give it to you, I'll give it to you! Maybe I'll change my mind. Maybe I'll see you for who you are? Drowning in a sea of cum, that's all you're doing. That's right, run, run. You've made me see. You've made me cum. So, now I know who you are. Who you are. Who you are. Who you...

Today I am seething with anger, boiling in a rage of destruction! This fist of agony can punch a hole through eternity and rip out his throat. Watch him bleed for all the pain he drowns me in. Push, push, PUSH, PUSH, you keep pushing to see how far I'll go? You keep pushing but you don't see! YOU DON'T SEE!!! YOU DON'T SEE!!!  You have no idea, no one can fathom my willingness and ability, for I am the son of darkness, the bastard of death. You have no idea, no idea. So just go, just go like the rest.....like the rest..the one's I digest. THE REST!

2017 – The Final Chapter. It was predicted that I would die at the age of 40 and that I would not live a day more. 39 years have passed and this is my 40th year. Come December 2017 I will be gone either voluntarily or involuntarily I don't expect to be here. The signs have started to show already, over the past month I have been unwell with a chest infection which has gone but not completely and my right lung doesn't feel right. I always said that I would not want to go out slowly, fading away, but if that's the way it has to be then there is not much I can do about it. Some of you may read this and think it is egotistical, selfish and much ado about nothing. To you I say FUCK YOU! You haven't lived my life and haven't got a clue of what I've gone through. Just because you can move from one relationship to another, one whiskey bottle to another only makes you a coward in my book. So let the last dance begin.

If I had just one cigarette to burn into me, to put out an endless fire. To feel alive, to be able to breathe, to burn away the coils of a reality that's not mine but.......sshhhhhhh! Can't say that word, can't give you more ammo for you to shoot into my being again. Just one cigarette. Just one more scar to make me submit to your will which I can't, won't....just don't, feel like it, just don't feel, I just don't feel anymore. Peel away my skin to find a talking corpse who denies everything but me, my and I.

Cut me! Please cut me. Why won't you cut me? Why? WHY? I need it just once, just once....please. Need to feel alive in this suffocating place you call "world". I need to BREATHE. Need to forget her, you, everything, just once. Why won't you cut me? WHY? Pain is not a drug I want anymore, I just want life, I want to feel alive! Free me from this cage Free me from this thoughts Free me from this Rage Disease me please Cut me! Please cut me. Cut me please Fuck me, please Fuck me.....please CUT ME!

Happiness is a whore that loves you for a few hours whilst dreaming of the next She will kiss away your sores, love you like a lover and make you feel like a king An ethos of hedonistic desire that can never fill that void Drown head first in a sea of passion spineless I am for being blind A dark heart broken by a hammer of filth Lost now forever and not to be found Dragged away by her dogs Lost in a wilderness of thoughts Awake I am now to my only true friend Sorrow who will never leave me for another Betrayed never as she will be there till the end Bite me into oblivion Kiss me deeper than darkness itself Fuck me until I bend to your will I bow to no other but you for you were there when I was born You will be there until I die

So where have I been? Did you miss me? Well, I'm here now so don't worry, I never forgot you. Will you hold me, dig your nails deep into my soul so that I cannot leave? Will you bite me so that your mark is engraved into me? I wish I could say that I have come back as a new man, as a stronger man, as a better man, but I cannot give you that privilege or bestow you that gift. How can you change the unchangeable? For I am dammed, you know that, I know that, and she knows that! But what I will say is that some things cannot be forgotten nor forgiven. This song I dedicate to the one who killed me and made me see that I am much more than what they think of me and that the art of manipulation is not just for the divine or the devil but also for the heartless witches that walk these mortal planes.

So this is a song I wrote today. It's about my one and only friend that has been with we since the beginning and will be there until the end. (Verse1) The only friend I have left is death A friend that has been with me since I was born His name I have cried out so many times His lullabies have always comforted me Always reminding me that I shall always be alone! (Chorus) In a world where no one knows your name A whispered memory we are destined to be No time for apologies, or forgiveness this ain't a battle, this is a Motherfuckin' War to me! (Verse2) I feel his arms cradle me at night His nails scrape at my soul each time I feel hurt It reminds me that there is nothing here but pain And yet I bleed tears of shame (Chorus) In a world where no one knows your name A whispered memory we are destined to be No time for apologies, or forgiveness this ain't a battle, this is a Motherfuckin' War to me! (Verse3) As each breath now fades I still tr...

A chasm has been left in me which only reminds me of how empty I am. Could I be anything more? Could anyone give me any love that could stitch up these scars which are engraved in me? Sometimes I think not, because nobody wants to take that risk, nobody wants to touch me unconditionally, even out of just love. Is it a curse? Is it something that I created? My own prison maybe, that stops people from entering or maybe it is a prison to keep the Demon within. Whatever it is, I will never know, at least not till the end, until when I am able to look back on myself in the mirror of death and life.

Undo what's done............ can we really do that? One of my favourite songs from Five Finger Death Punch is titled "Undone". I really relate to the lyrics. For example this verse: "Sometimes the things get so jaded Still my heart slowly beats Sometimes life gets complicated Still the world around me sleeps I'm ashamed, not to blame Don't wanna think about it Who I am, what I've done How do I carry on? Wanna change, turn the page Don't wanna think about it How do I undo what's done? Undo what's done!" No matter what I do, or change, I cannot hide from the thing that I am. Right now I spend such amazing times with someone that makes me extremely happy and comfortable with who I am, an acceptance that I haven't experienced before. However, whenever I look in the mirror, I see this thing looking back at me, all mangled up and twisted and then I realise that it's me! A Demon that not only I am ashamed of, but I can...

It's a long and lonely road when you know you walk alone! 38 years of existence and the one thing I've trully learnt is that no matter what people say, no matter what people do, no matter how much I give and no matter how much I pay, I will always be alone. A ghost lost in a war zone where there is nothing but chaos and a sense of drowning where you only come up for air when someone rescues you, but then they see who I truly am and then let go turning their back on me and not watching how I go back down drowning in this void where I feel raped and carved by guilt and tormented by desire. A Demon, a ghastly ghost that doesn't even deserve to be touched for money or love. What crime did I commit, how many did I kill? What did I do to deserve a body like this where I can only observe and watch everything fade away while I stay remaining, alone and cold with no warmth. Will I ever decay or is it my curse to remain lost and lonely for the rest of eternity?

The paths we choose are they destined or given to us? I've lived a full life and chosen my choices clearly, but some have been tainted by the blood of impulse and now rake down my soul as if they own me. So head down, I keep walking through these dark streets not looking up, afraid of what I'll find. The darkness is suffocating, filling my lungs like smoke in a barrel. I can hear each twig or stone I unknowingly kick, hearing it break or collide in a vacuum of silence. I stop and look up as I'm distracted from walking. A crow sitting over a skeleton which decomposed years ago greets my eyes as if it was waiting for me. With no words spoken I hear it speaking to me, in a haunting voice it pleads me to stop and turn away but I wish I could adhere its advice and stop but too much as passed and too much has been left unsaid. The silence has deafened me for far too long now and I must find my own way home. As I reach my destination I see a door blocking the entrance to the end...

Click, click, boom! That's what should have happened when I was born  but instead I was left here to pay for my crimes! Alone I came and  alone I'll go. There's no point in staying where I'm not wanted,  needed or loved. Click, click boom! This world is a hell to me and God is a rapist who  fucks me everyday. If only I had the courage. If only I had the faith,  If only I had the belief.........to do what should have happened a long  time ago. So many people would have never died or suffered because of ME!!!

You don't forgive me for my mistakes holding me down till I can't breathe. All I ever wanted was to be accepted in a world which you created and then told me it's mine. How can I carry on when every sense of hope has left my lungs. Entangled in this rage I feel that it's all I have, and if I stop to breathe then perhaps I'd drown in the guilt which has kept me from living. Tired of what I could have been, a great son, a great lover, a great father, a great brother. But you took that away from me. So, I swear even if I go to hell then I'm going down swinging and my screams will never leave you in peace! They will haunt you forever! I will haunt you forever and I will never bow to you and I will never call you GOD! Never, so fuck you!

It has been awhile since I have written anything, reason being because I don't like writing if I don't feel I have something important to say. It needs to be at least meaningful in one way or another. No? I have had the flu over the weekend and even though it hasn't completely gone I still feel a little bit better than what I was a few days ago. It just completely baffles me how something like that can occur so quickly and take almost a week to go completely. Another thing about being ill which completely stands out for me, is the amount of phlegm that builds up so quickly and how I cannot seem to get it out so easily than an able-bodied person. I guess I have found techniques to make it easier but that still doesn't take away the fact that I have had to see this monster for so many years. Even though I have grown tired of it, it doesn't seem to grow tired of me! It's more relentless and unforgiving then perhaps I am? If only I had that focus which it has ...

So, on Sunday there I was sitting and surfing the web and doing absolutely nothing productive when all of a sudden I burped and some food came back up and got stuck in my wind pipe. I started coughing and couldn't breathe in. I called my brother for help who then called my mum. My mum helped me to cough it up which obviously brought up my beloved friend "Mr Phlegm". All this made me more anxious and in between gasping for air, I said to my family members that I'm going to die, I can't breathe. I really felt I wasn't going to breathe again.......but what stuck in mind since then is my memory of not being able to breathe and me looking at my mum and wanting to say I'm sorry, sorry for the scum I am and everything else. Anyway, obviously I didn't die and lived to tell this tale. But that memory still exists, but perhaps what was most frightning was the fear of death. Desiring not to live and facing death are two complete different things. Is it death t...

I wish I could cut away these scars and see what resides beneath Release those parasites that eat away at my core wash away the unclean from my filth scratch away at those lingering sores release of this venom would be a salvation no redemption here for the deeds are signed, dealt and done they say hatred only breeds more hatred but when it comes to you I only see the poison within fooled everyone by your promises and lies but you left me here with a loaded gun to die Pushed into an existence that isn't mine left gasping for air and teased by temptations no time left for me now no time left for me now no rhyme left for me now no one left for me now

Atrophy - The dictionaries meaning: "Atrophy is the partial or complete wasting away of a part of the body". Atrophy - My meaning: WTF!!! Why would nature create such an illness that slowly wastes your body away. From the moment one is born with this disease, their body starts to waste away. From childhood you don't realise that before you ever grow fully strong, you start to fade. I know, because I have this terrible fucked up illness - SMA. I have watched myself lose my movement in my arms, hands and legs. From being able to write, play music and even feed myself - I now can barely move two thumbs and my toes. As well as that, I can't even breathe fully because my lungs are to weak.  People say I should be grateful that I'm alive. Some say I'm lucky and some say I'm unlucky or have bad Karma. You wanna hear what I think? What goes unheard in this storm of silence! I'll tell you!......... Despite my misgivings and flaws - Despite my curr...

A thousand voices that call your name seem to push me out left grasping for each breath as if it's my last this presence seems like a timeless gift for which I didn't ask you unwrap it you open it, it's yours and not mine for it will be you who will be laughing as you seal it, not me Not begging anymore, not hiding just waiting for it to pass so I can say that I never lost that I was never here never wanting more pushing holding  not letting me leave that's all you ever do unclean as I am I will never say something I don't mean unclean as I am, I will never open that door unclean as I am, I'll never be your WHORE!!!

If alcohol and hookers could fill this void I feel then I would submerge myself into every bottle I could find, but I know when I'm on my own it eats me up everytime, with them just constantly pounding at the door! Why do I let them in, as they find me crouching in the corner. Just want release, away from this body you cursed me with and you still have the audacity to blame it on me. Well, I hope you're happy?!

Do you know what I really hate? I'll tell you.........Last weekend highlighted it again for me, a feeling which feels like being pulled by a claw which has such a strong grip on you that you can only struggle for release, whilst being pulled under helplessly. There I was in bed with a beautiful woman talking about life in general after spending some intimate moments with her. She says to me how much she would like to meet someone and settle down and have children. At that moment it hit me, yep, that feeling as I realised that even though I could provide a woman with security, give children, provide love, honesty and companionship, even though I know deep in my heart that I could provide all of that, that I would never be accepted, loved, valued or seen because of this fucked up body I'm in! Because of my disability I would never be even given that opportunity to show that I can provide, love and cherish. At that moment and for a few days after I felt that claw pulling me down...

This blog is dedicated to those people that are enduring the difficulties of living with Spinal Muscular Atrophy. I haven't used the word "Suffering with", simply because I don't want to give the creator of this disease the feeling of triumph and domination that it expects! It's also a means for me to express my feelings of being trapped inside a body which I did not choose, want or ultimately deserve! There are many disabled people in this world who manage to overcome and live with their disability.  However, I'm not here to condone or condemn them. I'm just here to explain my story and my rage against the unfairness of this illness, and how it stripped me away from everything I depend on, until all that is left is the feeling of imprisonment inside a deep black void that makes me beg for death each and every day! I have lost count of how many times I have wanted to strip away the flesh from this body and cut away until all there's left is the f...