An Arsehole with my drink

I had no choice to enter this world, nobody asked me where do you want to go or who you want to be? We live in a society of democracy and independence. Every day we are told that this is our right, that is our right and we deserve to choose. We see what happens when freedom is taken away from people and how they suffer. Relationships don't last when there is too much control from one partner, and even governments collapse when they dictate control and take away choice. Ask yourself, how much is freedom worth to you? If someone offered you all the treasures of all the universes in exchange for your freedom, would you sign that deal? I don't think anyone would, you know that, and I know that.

But as a disabled person living in a body as a prisoner for over 40 years, without being able to choose whether I want to live or die, to me is nothing but dictatorship and the cause of all of this is one narcissistic fucker! You know him as God. It pains me to write this because for so many years I was fed a lie that he is caring, all loving and the most compassionate being in all the universes. I was told that anyone that loves him, he would not forget them and if you cried he would feel your pain and come running to pick you up and help.

But like I said, I was fed a lie! If he really cared he would end my life, because without freedom or choice there is nothing but existence, and that is not life and certainly not living. It is nothing but a prison sentence with no parole or a get out of jail card.

How many times has he come down as a disabled person? Never! He always has a fully functioning body and I'm sure he wouldn't sacrifice that for anything. Why would he? Freedom and choice is important to him as it is to us. I'm tired of asking questions, looking for answers or even seeking a truth, which seems to always lie behind me and not in front. Walking on shattered glass is always what it feels like, ironic that! Maybe he has a dark sense of humour? Maybe he's just a sadistic fucker who only loves himself?

He has no idea of how much rage is in me, he has no idea what I would do if we met, he has no idea of the names that I would call him and how I would use that shattered glass that he made me walk on for so many years. He has no Idea! I know each scar, I know each memory, I know each person I lost and I would always make sure that he gets to know that too.

He said that "your pain is my pain". But I will truly show him how my pain is his pain! I don't like rage, it's like driving a Formula One car with no brakes. There is only one way to drive in that situation, which is never to look back but to keep looking forward until you reach that destination and hit rock bottom.

Rock bottom - I Have never been able to find any answers at the bottom of any bottle. Maybe I am twisted or immature? Someone once close to me a few years ago who I truly cared for, said that everything that I do, I only do for myself. Maybe she was right but where did I learn that from? If not him then who? The law of inheritance seems to pervade everything and not even I can hide from that, so where is the choice? WHERE? So I will keep waiting for the day that we meet and when we do, there will be an end, there will be a choice, there will be freedom but not for him!

So, if there was a bar in which I would meet him and if he came over and preached his bullshit to me, I would just look at him and say "I'm sorry, but I don't recall ordering an arsehole with my drink”!

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