Salvation
I drink because I want to escape, escape you, your thoughts, your words, which have scarred me for life. How could you do what you did? How could you speak those words with no meaning? How could you do it not just once but over and over again? How could you? How? How?
I get up from the chair and put out the cigarette and shake my head, hoping to shake away those thoughts, your thoughts! I pick up the whisky glass and walk to the window and gaze into the darkness. Three years have passed and I still feel the shame. How could have I been so naive, how could I have been so gullible? How could I have been so weak? How could I? How could I? How? How?
So I drink to escape you, to escape them and to escape me! Why does the darkness talk to me, why does it pull on my rage? As if it wants to merge with it. I deny its every want, its every desire and yet it doesn't leave me. Maybe I'm blind to the fact that it needs me as much as I need it. Blind to it as I was to you, to your manipulative games, "Oscar-winning" I called them, remember. Do you remember? Do you?
I take another sip and taste the poison burn away any empathy that may be left for you. I walk to the mirror and look at myself. Was I a demon? Am I one now? I don't see any horns. Can I smile at myself, just one smile or do I need to have your narcissistic tendencies to be able to smile at myself despite....despite......yeah - let's just let that be. Just there. My rage wants me to scream and throw the glass of whisky at the mirror but I hold back. I've always held back for so many years and it's so tiring, especially when the pain keeps ripping you from behind like a thousand hungry vultures.
If only I was brave, to do what I needed to. If only I was brave. But I'm just tired of watching myself drown over and over again, rather than drowning myself.
I get up from the chair and put out the cigarette and shake my head, hoping to shake away those thoughts, your thoughts! I pick up the whisky glass and walk to the window and gaze into the darkness. Three years have passed and I still feel the shame. How could have I been so naive, how could I have been so gullible? How could I have been so weak? How could I? How could I? How? How?
So I drink to escape you, to escape them and to escape me! Why does the darkness talk to me, why does it pull on my rage? As if it wants to merge with it. I deny its every want, its every desire and yet it doesn't leave me. Maybe I'm blind to the fact that it needs me as much as I need it. Blind to it as I was to you, to your manipulative games, "Oscar-winning" I called them, remember. Do you remember? Do you?
I take another sip and taste the poison burn away any empathy that may be left for you. I walk to the mirror and look at myself. Was I a demon? Am I one now? I don't see any horns. Can I smile at myself, just one smile or do I need to have your narcissistic tendencies to be able to smile at myself despite....despite......yeah - let's just let that be. Just there. My rage wants me to scream and throw the glass of whisky at the mirror but I hold back. I've always held back for so many years and it's so tiring, especially when the pain keeps ripping you from behind like a thousand hungry vultures.
If only I was brave, to do what I needed to. If only I was brave. But I'm just tired of watching myself drown over and over again, rather than drowning myself.
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