A useless body

Hanging without a choice, but what choice did you ever have? What choice did you ever give? So, they hang from a tree which also has no voice. Blood dripping from top to bottom, trickling down with a born purpose and no choice to stop.

I sit there on the bench knowing what I've done, knowing it had to be done and that I also had no choice - Like you had no choice as if it all was raped from you by me! I can't look back now as the smell of sulphur suffocates my soul and makes me bleed. I know what happened was just a happening, but it happened by me, by my choices. So now I sit remembering how it ended and how you must have suffered to an end which you had no control or choice over.

10 PM, time for another drink. I get up from the sofa feeling different, was it just the constant binging on booze or something else happening to which I couldn't ignore anymore. For years I've tried hiding from it but how long do you run from something that owns every cell in you, that has contaminated every space you call home and every relationship you ever had.

I reach for the whisky on the top shelf and a sharp pain shoots through my left arm up to my shoulder and I nearly drop the bottle but quickly put it down on the worktop. I glance down at my fingers and try clenching my hand. Weakness has created a home in me, I think to myself. Was it just old age? 58 years which have caught up on me like a tiger on its prey and pounced to kill. Or was it time? I pour the whisky into the glass and add some water. I could never drink this shit straight, I think to myself. Spent years accommodating it, learning it's tricks and needs, as it did mine but like two old friends, we couldn't stay apart for long. Did it find me? Or did I fall into its temptations? I don't recall as it's been decades since we met, since the first drink and decades later I'm still poisoning myself, but now I'm poisoning it.

I walk past the lampshade knocking it over whilst stumbling to the sofa. My legs feeling weaker than normal and pins and needles stab through my calves. I sit on the sofa and take another sip of whisky. The lamp flickers on the floor and the darkness sets in. On, off, on, off, I see the light from the lamp flicker. I think to myself is that what life is? A moment of darkness in between the flickering?

I start to feel hot and feel sick. I want to get up and walk to the bathroom, but I can't as my legs don't have the strength to carry me. Have I become a burden to them now as I did to my family? I vomit on the floor and see blood. More blood than usual. I try to think of where my medication is but I cannot think which ones to take let alone remember where I put them. I reach for the whisky, but the glass drops off the table. I lay down on the sofa looking at the ceiling as the fan spins. It's time, I knew this day would come and I would face death alone, but I always hoped they would be with me. But my actions brought me here, my anger led me to this door and my lust which never let me be took them all from me. I vomit again and blood seeps from my mouth as I choke not being able to get up. I feel life leaving my body, no strength in my arms and legs. Is this this how he felt as I think of him. It gets darker and I vomit again but this time I don't choke. I lay there as it takes me, as it contaminated me for so many years and ate away at every part of me. I lay there and finally stop breathing letting it take me.

So, they hang from trees looking at me as I look at them. I had to do what I did as I had no choice. What happened to him was my fault, was my cross to bear. Dying alone like that on the sofa without friends or family. Nobody deserves that. What happened to him was my choice, not his. He drank the poison, but did I pour the glass? If I ever see him again how could I call him Dad? How could I say I'm sorry? How could I say I wasn't to blame? It wasn't me but this useless body I have. These useless legs I have. So now I give them up as they did me. I look down and see blood dripping from my waist as I look up and see my legs hanging from the tree.