Morning Phlegm

When you look so far, all you do is look back at yourself wanting answers to questions you never asked. I've looked into the mirror a million times never wanting a million answers but just one! Why can't I see what they see, why can't I see what you see! What is that poison in me? where are the Horns? His son they say I am. His habits they say I have. His looks they say I have. But yet, just...yeah...just yet, why don't I feel like him? The indifference in me keeps me afloat from drowning in his memories. So here I am waiting for that answer knowing it will never come. Drowning in the most darkened of depressions and hoping for a helping hand. These thoughts don't let me be, they keep knocking on the door and I keep letting them in. Broken in all places and cannot be put back together. So, what do you see that I don't see? What do you hear that I don't hear? What do you feel that I don't feel? I asked not to be, I asked nothing from you but you gave ...

Bored out of my head here, no air to suffocate these memories of you. Trapped by a blinded charlatan who only cares about her own sins. Whisky is the only thing that makes me feel at home, and yet I'm restricted to rations. Death a forgotten friend who no longer waits for me whilst I look down into oblivion. The past keeps knocking and I keep opening. Too weak to stand up to these dogs which don't stop biting at my heels. Too proud to not bang on the wall like he did. Too blind to find my way out of this treacherous world. Warned to be careful of the beasts and so I live a secluded existence. Hope is a whore that keeps me going, teasing and tantalizing her way down my body, wanting me to enter. Righteousness is a tree I take shelter under when it rains and the dogs come running. Music my only salvation from this hell and yet I can't even hear my own voice in between the screams. Lost for words now, so I sleep until nobody comes to wake me.

Why can't these thoughts let me be? They attack cloaked and hidden from all perception except feeling and make me feel trapped. Constricted, as if I'm being suffocated by an Anaconda who's sole purpose is to kill. But that's the Irony of it all because each day I wish for Death and it hides from me as if I'm not worthy of it. And these thoughts don't subside. My skin craves for Whisky to subdue the force of perception and hide from their venomous attacks but I'm denied it by hypocrisy which itself drowns each day in it self-created hell. It screams at me asking not for freedom but for reason to which I have no answer. So I lay there thinking if it can't end, then can I at least find a glimpse of Death . Just a small window for me to breath through from this vacuum of life. Just a cut from a thread of infinite pain. If only someone could cut away at me so these scars which are covered in a bloody disguise, unimaginable to the ambiguous arseholes who den...

I drink because I want to escape, escape you, your thoughts, your words, which have scarred me for life. How could you do what you did? How could you speak those words with no meaning? How could you do it not just once but over and over again? How could you? How? How? I get up from the chair and put out the cigarette and shake my head, hoping to shake away those thoughts, your thoughts! I pick up the whisky glass and walk to the window and gaze into the darkness. Three years have passed and I still feel the shame. How could have I been so naive, how could I have been so gullible? How could I have been so weak? How could I? How could I? How? How? So I drink to escape you, to escape them and to escape me! Why does the darkness talk to me, why does it pull on my rage? As if it wants to merge with it. I deny its every want, its every desire and yet it doesn't leave me. Maybe I'm blind to the fact that it needs me as much as I need it. Blind to it as I was to you, to your manipu...

Hanging without a choice, but what choice did you ever have? What choice did you ever give? So, they hang from a tree which also has no voice. Blood dripping from top to bottom, trickling down with a born purpose and no choice to stop. I sit there on the bench knowing what I've done, knowing it had to be done and that I also had no choice - Like you had no choice as if it all was raped from you by me! I can't look back now as the smell of sulphur suffocates my soul and makes me bleed. I know what happened was just a happening, but it happened by me, by my choices. So now I sit remembering how it ended and how you must have suffered to an end which you had no control or choice over. 10 PM, time for another drink. I get up from the sofa feeling different, was it just the constant binging on booze or something else happening to which I couldn't ignore anymore. For years I've tried hiding from it but how long do you run from something that owns every cell in you, t...

"Everything you do, you do for yourself!" That's what you said to me. Words which echo through a tunnel of time and reverb around for an eternity. Words which once said, cannot be taken back, ever! They weave their way to their destination with a sole purpose, a purpose to cut and bleed. What can I say to argue that? What words can I fire back to redeem myself? Is there even anything left to say? Perhaps you're right, perhaps I always knew that, perhaps it's time I give them words a voice and take away the barbed wire that has kept them in silence for so long. Perhaps..... But, you know the truth and so do I, and there's no hiding from that. Salvation doesn't have a place reserved for me, I don't even think she knows my name let alone I exist. So why even try? I'll just let them be as they let me be, in a place filled with regret and memories. I can't breathe, I can't change, I can't fight these words, they're stronger ...

I had no choice to enter this world, nobody asked me where do you want to go or who you want to be? We live in a society of democracy and independence. Every day we are told that this is our right, that is our right and we deserve to choose. We see what happens when freedom is taken away from people and how they suffer. Relationships don't last when there is too much control from one partner, and even governments collapse when they dictate control and take away choice. Ask yourself, how much is freedom worth to you? If someone offered you all the treasures of all the universes in exchange for your freedom, would you sign that deal? I don't think anyone would, you know that, and I know that. But as a disabled person living in a body as a prisoner for over 40 years, without being able to choose whether I want to live or die, to me is nothing but dictatorship and the cause of all of this is one narcissistic fucker! You know him as God. It pains me to write this because for so...

Fuck it, fuck it all! I didn't want this life but you pushed it down my throat whilst holding my head down. Leaving me breathless was just the beginning of the sadistic games you played. I won't beg anymore because my words aren't worth wasting on a sadistic, narcissistic motherfucker like you! Rage is all I have to keep me going in a world where people walk around like zombies and treat others like how they want to be treated themselves. I sit here smoking, thinking of what went wrong, what did I do to deserve this? Or what didn't I do? Ignorance, a place to be alone, sedated from the shit that's going on and hide in, but even it eats at you like termites until there's nothing left but the guilt carved in shame. Desire becomes a broken kite and following it only leads you into the mouth of chaos.  The cigarette fades and I look at it and stop thinking and wonder how if everything fades, it all ends, falls away, but I don't. You left me living in an ...

You think I'm alive because you see me breathing, you hear words coming out and you think I'm living. So many lies are spoken on a daily basis but nobody stops and asks...Nobody stops and asks....... Years have passed and not a moment has passed where I haven't wished for death. The gaps in between the pain and screams have been what you call life or existence but for me have been orgasmic moments of relief to which I completely surrendered to hoping they would hold me in their arms and give me some sort of belonging but and yes.... but, they also left me like everyone else. I don't expect anything else now as each moment of what I thought was betrayal became nothing but a mere fact of life. I read so many books and observed so many people who in turn left me nothing but distant memories which clawed at me every time I looked away. Peace became an epiphany with wings which kept flying off whenever I tried to catch it and silence became a drop of hope in a sea...

How many whiskeys would it take to drown me? I know for certain one bottle would never be enough, it would only help to numb the pain. The 2nd bottle would be the one that takes away the distorted perceptions of a mistaken reality in which I have gazed into so many times and only found myself looking back. The 3rd bottle would take away my speech and the words would not come out as if they were chained to a dead corpse holding them back in hope of an existence to a mortal plane to which he has no right or purpose to, let alone any belonging. The 4th bottle would take away the screams which have haunted me for so many years, I have always found those years to be clawing at my skin and scraping down each particle of flesh left on these useless bones, which no fire would burn away or even turn to ashes when the time comes. The 5th bottle would take away my breath which has held me captive since I was born, always threatening to leave me like everyone else and I always gave in to t...

I crawled out wanting to crawl back in. Tried hanging myself on your umbilical cord but even that broke. No water kept me under and no air made me suffocate but here I am drowning in your bullshit. I didn't wanna be here, I didn't wanna be ya!!! Tick, tick, tick...I wait, wanting out as I wait and watch time pass me by but I don't pass, it just passes me. Can you twist that knife a little more because I have gone numb again and I'm feeling cold to this world? Can you light one more match so I can burn in your memories and leave my ashes in your hands? Just one more drink, can you pour me one more drink so that I can drown in your eyes again? Cut me, can you cut me again so that I can merge into your skin and let your narcissistical parasites eat at me, and burn away all my will? Hidden truths can be so deafening when not listened to. My words ate at you like termites feeding away at your freedom but did you ever imagine how much pain they caused me as they clawed ...

T here are times that I feel weak in choosing which path to take, each moment that I choose to live can become a gift or a mistake. Controlled by my desire to make this life a better place, my canvas cries tears of shame, for what I have painted is a disgrace. Chiselled by my guilt I walk in shame , for my arrogance covers my soul, for which I cannot hate, how many times will I fall and hope it's not too late, for you to save me as I slip through your hands of grace. The end I see is lying await, is a door made of pain and carved in shame, eyes shut now as they burn with fire, of a desireless man who's caught in the myer. As I get to the door I give a knock, in hope to walk away from the door unlocks. A cold stern voice that I cannot tell, says to me "hello friend, welcome to hell".

Suffering is an avoidable gift which you gave me, which I carry as a burden as I walk towards the end, my end......... Do you ever think you could kill a million people in a blink of an eye and then just turn away and walk? As the blade drops from your hand, you just keep walking, never looking back. The difference between hate and love is the indifference that's left between us now. So just keep walking, just keep walking now. Don't look back. Bloody footsteps engrave my destiny as I open my palms to read what you wrote on them blinded by desire I cannot even see anymore. Where am I going, where have I never been before? Everything I gave, you took, you raped me of every silence between every scream, leaving me to drown in a sea of pain unimaginable to anyone that tried to believe my words. Selfish you said I was, everything I did I did for myself you said. A truth which I choked on each time I saw you. A truth I chose, a truth that you chose to hide from the narcissistic ...