Morning Phlegm

So this is a song I wrote today. It's about my one and only friend that has been with we since the beginning and will be there until the end. (Verse1) The only friend I have left is death A friend that has been with me since I was born His name I have cried out so many times His lullabies have always comforted me Always reminding me that I shall always be alone! (Chorus) In a world where no one knows your name A whispered memory we are destined to be No time for apologies, or forgiveness this ain't a battle, this is a Motherfuckin' War to me! (Verse2) I feel his arms cradle me at night His nails scrape at my soul each time I feel hurt It reminds me that there is nothing here but pain And yet I bleed tears of shame (Chorus) In a world where no one knows your name A whispered memory we are destined to be No time for apologies, or forgiveness this ain't a battle, this is a Motherfuckin' War to me! (Verse3) As each breath now fades I still tr...

A chasm has been left in me which only reminds me of how empty I am. Could I be anything more? Could anyone give me any love that could stitch up these scars which are engraved in me? Sometimes I think not, because nobody wants to take that risk, nobody wants to touch me unconditionally, even out of just love. Is it a curse? Is it something that I created? My own prison maybe, that stops people from entering or maybe it is a prison to keep the Demon within. Whatever it is, I will never know, at least not till the end, until when I am able to look back on myself in the mirror of death and life.

Undo what's done............ can we really do that? One of my favourite songs from Five Finger Death Punch is titled "Undone". I really relate to the lyrics. For example this verse: "Sometimes the things get so jaded Still my heart slowly beats Sometimes life gets complicated Still the world around me sleeps I'm ashamed, not to blame Don't wanna think about it Who I am, what I've done How do I carry on? Wanna change, turn the page Don't wanna think about it How do I undo what's done? Undo what's done!" No matter what I do, or change, I cannot hide from the thing that I am. Right now I spend such amazing times with someone that makes me extremely happy and comfortable with who I am, an acceptance that I haven't experienced before. However, whenever I look in the mirror, I see this thing looking back at me, all mangled up and twisted and then I realise that it's me! A Demon that not only I am ashamed of, but I can...

It's a long and lonely road when you know you walk alone! 38 years of existence and the one thing I've trully learnt is that no matter what people say, no matter what people do, no matter how much I give and no matter how much I pay, I will always be alone. A ghost lost in a war zone where there is nothing but chaos and a sense of drowning where you only come up for air when someone rescues you, but then they see who I truly am and then let go turning their back on me and not watching how I go back down drowning in this void where I feel raped and carved by guilt and tormented by desire. A Demon, a ghastly ghost that doesn't even deserve to be touched for money or love. What crime did I commit, how many did I kill? What did I do to deserve a body like this where I can only observe and watch everything fade away while I stay remaining, alone and cold with no warmth. Will I ever decay or is it my curse to remain lost and lonely for the rest of eternity?

The paths we choose are they destined or given to us? I've lived a full life and chosen my choices clearly, but some have been tainted by the blood of impulse and now rake down my soul as if they own me. So head down, I keep walking through these dark streets not looking up, afraid of what I'll find. The darkness is suffocating, filling my lungs like smoke in a barrel. I can hear each twig or stone I unknowingly kick, hearing it break or collide in a vacuum of silence. I stop and look up as I'm distracted from walking. A crow sitting over a skeleton which decomposed years ago greets my eyes as if it was waiting for me. With no words spoken I hear it speaking to me, in a haunting voice it pleads me to stop and turn away but I wish I could adhere its advice and stop but too much as passed and too much has been left unsaid. The silence has deafened me for far too long now and I must find my own way home. As I reach my destination I see a door blocking the entrance to the end...

Click, click, boom! That's what should have happened when I was born  but instead I was left here to pay for my crimes! Alone I came and  alone I'll go. There's no point in staying where I'm not wanted,  needed or loved. Click, click boom! This world is a hell to me and God is a rapist who  fucks me everyday. If only I had the courage. If only I had the faith,  If only I had the belief.........to do what should have happened a long  time ago. So many people would have never died or suffered because of ME!!!

You don't forgive me for my mistakes holding me down till I can't breathe. All I ever wanted was to be accepted in a world which you created and then told me it's mine. How can I carry on when every sense of hope has left my lungs. Entangled in this rage I feel that it's all I have, and if I stop to breathe then perhaps I'd drown in the guilt which has kept me from living. Tired of what I could have been, a great son, a great lover, a great father, a great brother. But you took that away from me. So, I swear even if I go to hell then I'm going down swinging and my screams will never leave you in peace! They will haunt you forever! I will haunt you forever and I will never bow to you and I will never call you GOD! Never, so fuck you!

It has been awhile since I have written anything, reason being because I don't like writing if I don't feel I have something important to say. It needs to be at least meaningful in one way or another. No? I have had the flu over the weekend and even though it hasn't completely gone I still feel a little bit better than what I was a few days ago. It just completely baffles me how something like that can occur so quickly and take almost a week to go completely. Another thing about being ill which completely stands out for me, is the amount of phlegm that builds up so quickly and how I cannot seem to get it out so easily than an able-bodied person. I guess I have found techniques to make it easier but that still doesn't take away the fact that I have had to see this monster for so many years. Even though I have grown tired of it, it doesn't seem to grow tired of me! It's more relentless and unforgiving then perhaps I am? If only I had that focus which it has ...