Morning Phlegm

So, on Sunday there I was sitting and surfing the web and doing absolutely nothing productive when all of a sudden I burped and some food came back up and got stuck in my wind pipe. I started coughing and couldn't breathe in. I called my brother for help who then called my mum. My mum helped me to cough it up which obviously brought up my beloved friend "Mr Phlegm". All this made me more anxious and in between gasping for air, I said to my family members that I'm going to die, I can't breathe. I really felt I wasn't going to breathe again.......but what stuck in mind since then is my memory of not being able to breathe and me looking at my mum and wanting to say I'm sorry, sorry for the scum I am and everything else. Anyway, obviously I didn't die and lived to tell this tale. But that memory still exists, but perhaps what was most frightning was the fear of death. Desiring not to live and facing death are two complete different things. Is it death t...

I wish I could cut away these scars and see what resides beneath Release those parasites that eat away at my core wash away the unclean from my filth scratch away at those lingering sores release of this venom would be a salvation no redemption here for the deeds are signed, dealt and done they say hatred only breeds more hatred but when it comes to you I only see the poison within fooled everyone by your promises and lies but you left me here with a loaded gun to die Pushed into an existence that isn't mine left gasping for air and teased by temptations no time left for me now no time left for me now no rhyme left for me now no one left for me now

Atrophy - The dictionaries meaning: "Atrophy is the partial or complete wasting away of a part of the body". Atrophy - My meaning: WTF!!! Why would nature create such an illness that slowly wastes your body away. From the moment one is born with this disease, their body starts to waste away. From childhood you don't realise that before you ever grow fully strong, you start to fade. I know, because I have this terrible fucked up illness - SMA. I have watched myself lose my movement in my arms, hands and legs. From being able to write, play music and even feed myself - I now can barely move two thumbs and my toes. As well as that, I can't even breathe fully because my lungs are to weak.  People say I should be grateful that I'm alive. Some say I'm lucky and some say I'm unlucky or have bad Karma. You wanna hear what I think? What goes unheard in this storm of silence! I'll tell you!......... Despite my misgivings and flaws - Despite my curr...

A thousand voices that call your name seem to push me out left grasping for each breath as if it's my last this presence seems like a timeless gift for which I didn't ask you unwrap it you open it, it's yours and not mine for it will be you who will be laughing as you seal it, not me Not begging anymore, not hiding just waiting for it to pass so I can say that I never lost that I was never here never wanting more pushing holding  not letting me leave that's all you ever do unclean as I am I will never say something I don't mean unclean as I am, I will never open that door unclean as I am, I'll never be your WHORE!!!

If alcohol and hookers could fill this void I feel then I would submerge myself into every bottle I could find, but I know when I'm on my own it eats me up everytime, with them just constantly pounding at the door! Why do I let them in, as they find me crouching in the corner. Just want release, away from this body you cursed me with and you still have the audacity to blame it on me. Well, I hope you're happy?!

Do you know what I really hate? I'll tell you.........Last weekend highlighted it again for me, a feeling which feels like being pulled by a claw which has such a strong grip on you that you can only struggle for release, whilst being pulled under helplessly. There I was in bed with a beautiful woman talking about life in general after spending some intimate moments with her. She says to me how much she would like to meet someone and settle down and have children. At that moment it hit me, yep, that feeling as I realised that even though I could provide a woman with security, give children, provide love, honesty and companionship, even though I know deep in my heart that I could provide all of that, that I would never be accepted, loved, valued or seen because of this fucked up body I'm in! Because of my disability I would never be even given that opportunity to show that I can provide, love and cherish. At that moment and for a few days after I felt that claw pulling me down...

This blog is dedicated to those people that are enduring the difficulties of living with Spinal Muscular Atrophy. I haven't used the word "Suffering with", simply because I don't want to give the creator of this disease the feeling of triumph and domination that it expects! It's also a means for me to express my feelings of being trapped inside a body which I did not choose, want or ultimately deserve! There are many disabled people in this world who manage to overcome and live with their disability.  However, I'm not here to condone or condemn them. I'm just here to explain my story and my rage against the unfairness of this illness, and how it stripped me away from everything I depend on, until all that is left is the feeling of imprisonment inside a deep black void that makes me beg for death each and every day! I have lost count of how many times I have wanted to strip away the flesh from this body and cut away until all there's left is the f...