Morning Phlegm

Undo what's done............ can we really do that? One of my favourite songs from Five Finger Death Punch is titled "Undone". I really relate to the lyrics. For example this verse: "Sometimes the things get so jaded Still my heart slowly beats Sometimes life gets complicated Still the world around me sleeps I'm ashamed, not to blame Don't wanna think about it Who I am, what I've done How do I carry on? Wanna change, turn the page Don't wanna think about it How do I undo what's done? Undo what's done!" No matter what I do, or change, I cannot hide from the thing that I am. Right now I spend such amazing times with someone that makes me extremely happy and comfortable with who I am, an acceptance that I haven't experienced before. However, whenever I look in the mirror, I see this thing looking back at me, all mangled up and twisted and then I realise that it's me! A Demon that not only I am ashamed of, but I can...

It's a long and lonely road when you know you walk alone! 38 years of existence and the one thing I've trully learnt is that no matter what people say, no matter what people do, no matter how much I give and no matter how much I pay, I will always be alone. A ghost lost in a war zone where there is nothing but chaos and a sense of drowning where you only come up for air when someone rescues you, but then they see who I truly am and then let go turning their back on me and not watching how I go back down drowning in this void where I feel raped and carved by guilt and tormented by desire. A Demon, a ghastly ghost that doesn't even deserve to be touched for money or love. What crime did I commit, how many did I kill? What did I do to deserve a body like this where I can only observe and watch everything fade away while I stay remaining, alone and cold with no warmth. Will I ever decay or is it my curse to remain lost and lonely for the rest of eternity?