Morning Phlegm

If alcohol and hookers could fill this void I feel then I would submerge myself into every bottle I could find, but I know when I'm on my own it eats me up everytime, with them just constantly pounding at the door! Why do I let them in, as they find me crouching in the corner. Just want release, away from this body you cursed me with and you still have the audacity to blame it on me. Well, I hope you're happy?!

Do you know what I really hate? I'll tell you.........Last weekend highlighted it again for me, a feeling which feels like being pulled by a claw which has such a strong grip on you that you can only struggle for release, whilst being pulled under helplessly. There I was in bed with a beautiful woman talking about life in general after spending some intimate moments with her. She says to me how much she would like to meet someone and settle down and have children. At that moment it hit me, yep, that feeling as I realised that even though I could provide a woman with security, give children, provide love, honesty and companionship, even though I know deep in my heart that I could provide all of that, that I would never be accepted, loved, valued or seen because of this fucked up body I'm in! Because of my disability I would never be even given that opportunity to show that I can provide, love and cherish. At that moment and for a few days after I felt that claw pulling me down...

This blog is dedicated to those people that are enduring the difficulties of living with Spinal Muscular Atrophy. I haven't used the word "Suffering with", simply because I don't want to give the creator of this disease the feeling of triumph and domination that it expects! It's also a means for me to express my feelings of being trapped inside a body which I did not choose, want or ultimately deserve! There are many disabled people in this world who manage to overcome and live with their disability.  However, I'm not here to condone or condemn them. I'm just here to explain my story and my rage against the unfairness of this illness, and how it stripped me away from everything I depend on, until all that is left is the feeling of imprisonment inside a deep black void that makes me beg for death each and every day! I have lost count of how many times I have wanted to strip away the flesh from this body and cut away until all there's left is the f...