Morning Phlegm

Destiny is a myth in which I starved myself of truth by drowning in a sea of hope. I was a fool trapped by my needs and desires. I look up and see the stars condemning me to a state of consciousness which I am forced to claim as my own. "My own" - two strange words which are like knots in a noose around my neck and that you know fuck all about! A dictator in disguise, you convince people that you love and feel but even a psychopath has more empathy than you. An insecure narcissist who controls and abuses and lives in a fantasy that you know can never come true! People worship you not because they love you but only and ONLY because they want something from you. Imagine that - you now live in my world and are frail as an autumn leaf that has been blown off a tree not by choice but by force. Yes, force - a word in which you encapsulate tainted love and push down peoples throats. I've choked enough times on that pill, feeling nothing but a semblance of love and empathy....

It beats, beats, keeps beating, beating, beating ! I look in the mirror of time and how different I am now compared to the past. The skin covers the bones but not the scars. They itch like they did on your body and you tried scratching the scars away but these aren't scars made of a mortal man-made blade. These scars are made of memories and encapsulated in a case of time. Unpenetrable by anything. So, it beats, and keeps beating, beating, beating! Do my eyes lie? Do my words deceive me like ants running towards candy? If only I had the strength to walk away, but it pulls harder than anything I've ever known. So, nothing changes, apart from this flesh on a corpse which talks. They say the dead don't speak but I was too blind to hear you and too deaf to see. Your voice kept telling me your path was pathed in torment and I didn't believe you, I believed her and defended her like I defended my own life. How wrong I was, how blind to not see you calling. So, it beats, and...

There's not much I look forward to in this life, the waves of orgasms and guilt have driven me to a shore which for years I thought of as home, but only to realise that it was just a stop to take my breath away. The calls have been echoing for oh so long now, I refuse to even stop listening to them. When two dogs keep chasing you, at which point do you stop running and look them in the eyes and say NO! Not anymore! So I look up and brush myself off and keep walking. No need to look back now as there's nothin' left, just ashes in the wind that keep blowing and then fall to the ground. Everything falls. I kept falling, failing and now I do what I could never do, walk, just keep walking, until I reach the end. The skies get darker and sounds of thunder await me as I get closer. Birds drop dead as the air starts to get thinner. Muscles waste away, no use today, air thins away so birds fall dead to his prey. No need to keep looking up, I can sense what's to come. It...

So how far would you go? Can you cross the pit of fire? The angels aren't coming to save you. No, they're not coming to make you. They're only coming to Rape you!!! So how far would you go? Would you pass the test? There's no demon coming to hurt you. No demon coming to slave you. They're only coming to B reak you!!! The mirror of darkness cannot hide you or your filth. There's no hiding, just looking, just drowning. Should I do it? Should I do it? Should I do it???? Fly in with your wings of desire, burn it down with that fire. No, no, please no, please don't hurt me. Please don't do that again. Not again, not again. You can have it, I'll give it to you, I'll give it to you! Maybe I'll change my mind. Maybe I'll see you for who you are? Drowning in a sea of cum, that's all you're doing. That's right, run, run. You've made me see. You've made me cum. So, now I know who you are. Who you are. Who you are. Who you...

Today I am seething with anger, boiling in a rage of destruction! This fist of agony can punch a hole through eternity and rip out his throat. Watch him bleed for all the pain he drowns me in. Push, push, PUSH, PUSH, you keep pushing to see how far I'll go? You keep pushing but you don't see! YOU DON'T SEE!!! YOU DON'T SEE!!!  You have no idea, no one can fathom my willingness and ability, for I am the son of darkness, the bastard of death. You have no idea, no idea. So just go, just go like the rest.....like the rest..the one's I digest. THE REST!

2017 – The Final Chapter. It was predicted that I would die at the age of 40 and that I would not live a day more. 39 years have passed and this is my 40th year. Come December 2017 I will be gone either voluntarily or involuntarily I don't expect to be here. The signs have started to show already, over the past month I have been unwell with a chest infection which has gone but not completely and my right lung doesn't feel right. I always said that I would not want to go out slowly, fading away, but if that's the way it has to be then there is not much I can do about it. Some of you may read this and think it is egotistical, selfish and much ado about nothing. To you I say FUCK YOU! You haven't lived my life and haven't got a clue of what I've gone through. Just because you can move from one relationship to another, one whiskey bottle to another only makes you a coward in my book. So let the last dance begin.